When Our Kids are Hard to Parent

In this age of social media where we tend to put only our best foot forward, and especially at Christmas when what we see on our Facebook and Instagram feeds are happy families with seemingly zero problems, it can be difficult to admit that sometimes our kids are hard to parent. Do you ever feel like this?

I was a woman beset with a lot of fertility challenges, so becoming a mama was the best gift ever for me and I feel so much gratitude for the sweet souls I get to mentor along their journey. I also often feel like I hit the jackpot with my kids. They're warm, fun, loving, clever, funny, generous, thoughtful and kind people who are typically very easy to live with, for which I'm incredibly grateful. And sometimes, they're hard to parent.

Last night my daughter showed a side of herself that we don't often see and after some time my husband excused her from the dinner table. When her behavior did not improve (friends, I was giving invisible high fives to my husband for keeping his cool) her daddy accompanied her upstairs to get ready for bed. My husband and I don't often agree on parenting styles or techniques. You may have this same experience with your spouse/partner and, if so, know that these moments can often be tense with worry, "What is he/she going to do next?" But my husband returned some time later to say he'd wished our daughter a good night and said he'd see her in the morning, to which she responded, "Unless karma catches up with you and something happens to you in the night."

This is a hallmark of childhood, isn't it? That one day we smile down with wonder at the incredible children we're raising and the next we question from whom they came to begin with, because those little monsters can't possibly be ours. Yep, I get it. I have found that when this happens, the situation is either helped or exasperated by my next mama move. So much can be fixed with a hug and a few kind words.

But what happens when our children's meltdowns coincide with a parental low point? You know what I'm talking about, right? Our reserves our low, we're tired, not at the top of our game, and we lash out in the way parents sometimes do. We yell, we blame, we shame, we hurt. There is an African Proverb I love, "The axe forgets, but the tree remembers" and I think about this a lot in times like these, or sometimes in reflection of times like these. In difficult parenting times our next mama move is imperative. So what do we do?

Breathe, mamas. That's it, just breathe. Give yourself time. Save an emergency that requires your immediate attention or someone will be injured, you can give yourself a minute. Think of it as putting on your oxygen mask before helping those around you. You have to be clearheaded and calm or you may do or say something you regret, but that will stick with your kids. Over time, this could become the trademark of you as a mama and you don't want that. "The axe forgets, the tree remembers."

Just breathe. Now, say what you see. "You look really upset/angry/hurt/sad." Show some empathy, "I'm so sorry you're feeling this way." Remind yourself that every behavior comes from somewhere and get curious, try to find out where it's coming from. Ask questions. There are lots of great things about kids, one of them being that they'll tell you what they think if you ask and provide the space for them to answer. Don't judge what they tell you, just listen and breathe.

Ask clarifying questions. When you ask your child why they're upset and they say it's because you're a terrible mama, you might want to go on the defensive, stop listening, fight back. Don't do it. Find out what it means. If you don't understand what they say, tell them that. Ask for more information, tell them you want to understand. "Why is that? Tell me more about that. Can you help me understand?"

Some parents might feel that this is somehow giving in or indulging in their kids' misbehavior. Please don't make this mistake. Everything we do is modeling something for our kids. If we expect our children to show love, acceptance, kindness and patience, we have to model those behaviors for them, and doing it in a time of stress will be more impactful as a model for them than at any other time. You can never go wrong with kindness.

Hopefully by now you've gotten to the bottom of it. Once it's all out, your kids will feel better and you can talk.

Start with the feelings, "I understand you were feeling -this way- because of -this-, but it's still never ok for you to -speak to me the way you did/hurt your brother/break a toy, etc.-"

Now you can move to making amends, which may also include a consequence. Start by asking your kiddo "What can you do to make this right?" You may need to help your kids here. Is an apology warranted? Help them formulate one if it's not something they're accustomed to doing. This should always include the behavior for which they are sorry and a query to the aggrieved as to how to make it right/request for forgiveness. "Mama, I'm sorry I yelled at you, how can I make it right/will you forgive me?/ Tommy I'm sorry I hurt you, how can I make it right/will you forgive me?" Was something broken? If so, they may need to fix it or use their own money to replace it.

Next is the consequence. Sometimes making amends is all that's needed. Sometimes there are ongoing issues or issues of enough significance that something more needs to happen. We try to always tie the consequence to the behavior, but this can be hard to do and may require you thinking outside the box or reaching out to other parents for ideas. It's also always worth getting your kids buy-in to the consequence. After all, now everyone is calm and you can think/talk about it logically and your kids are more apt to buy-in to a consequence tied to the behavior they recognize needs to change.

For a period of time my daughter was spitting. I cannot begin to express what a difficult time this was. I started by making a rule, "It's ok to spit outside, but never to spit inside unless you're spitting in the sink." All was well until she started spitting on her brother. We talked about how disrespectful it was, we talked about how it made him feel, we talked about how disgusting it was, I took away privileges and yet, it continued. And then I tied her behavior to a natural consequence and it was like magic.

I first asked my daughter if she had any ideas for a consequence (she did not) and then I suggested a spitting cup (an idea shared by a friend many years earlier when she had the same issue with her son). I took a glass from the cupboard and put a rubber band around it, about a third of the way up. I suggested that the next time she spit, she would need to sit at the table and spit in the cup until she'd reached the line. She readily agreed (how hard could THAT be?) and it wasn't long before she found herself sitting at the table with the cup in front of her.

If you've ever wondered how long you'd have to spit to fill a portion of a cup, I can tell you. It's a long time. My daughter sat at the table for almost two hours. She spit readily for some time, even enjoying herself. But after a while it wasn't fun and even after all the spit she'd so joyously spat into the glass, she was nowhere near the line releasing her from the table. And so she sat. And she cried. Her mouth got dry and she lamented about having spit on her brother to begin with. She swore she would never spit again. She asked herself over and over she she did it. But she never once got angry with me. She had bought in to the consequence and had consciously made the choice to spit on her brother, thereby landing her at the table. And guess what? It worked.

The next day she came to me and said she spit on the stairs, but then she remembered she wasn't supposed to do it and she cleaned it up and really, REALLY hoped she didn't have to spit in a cup again. And that was that, she never spit again.

Sometimes, mamas, the issue isn't just about kids being difficult to parent. Sometimes the issue is that parenting is difficult. But you don't have to do it alone. Here at Twig & Blossoms we're all about sharing tools and tips to be better people and parents and we have lots of fabulous tools to help you do it.

May the New Year bring you lots of love and joy in your parenting journey!

If you'd like to learn more about how I use essential oils in my parenting journey, contact me here.

If you'd be willing to answer a few questions in a survey that will guide the work I'm doing on "Your Mama Tool-Kit: a guide to behavior modifications and essential oils for better parenting," please click here.



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